Feeling Loved and Special

This is part two in a series on relationships.

Marriage is sometimes referred to as a crucible. A crucible is the vessel in which gold is refined. Gold is heated in a crucible until it melts, and the impurities rise to the surface to be skimmed leaving the purified gold. It is a fitting metaphor. Marriage is the crucible in which the continuing growth and development of individuals takes place. Marriage is the melting pot in which hidden imperfections and impurities, childhood wounds, dysfunctional scripts, denial and maladaptive strategies boil to the surface where they can be examined, appreciated for the purpose they served to protect or sustain us, and scrubbed away—leaving finer, wiser, humbler individuals and partners in their wake.

Relationships confront your wounds, your losses, your flaws and your yearnings, but also your capacity for love and forgiveness. In commitment, you learn to push beyond your previous capacity for selflessness and constancy. Bumps and bruises, disappointments and disillusionments, wrong turns, dead ends, flawed decisions and failure are opportunities to cultivate patience, wisdom and maturity.

When a relationship is in distress, it seems you need a miracle to get back on track. A miracle has been defined by one writer as “a shift in perspective.” And another that all anguish is a result of being “at war with reality,” the conviction that something or someone should be different. Within these simple, profound choices is the road to peace and transcending relationship challenges with grit and grace.

Couples don’t set out to mess up their relationship. But they don’t come with a navigation chart or emotional GPS either; they are forced to muddle through as best they can. Here is a simple tool to help you do much better than muddle. The Loved & Special practice can change everything. Try this for a full 30 days and pay attention to what happens in your love life...it could create a miracle!

LOVED & SPECIAL EXERCISE

Make a Loved & Special list:

• Make a list of at least thirty things that make you feel Loved & Special.

• List things your partner has done and or wish they would do.

• Make a date in the next week to share and exchange lists with your partner.

What to put on your list:

• Favorite romantic dates, expressions of love, appreciation, validation and support.

• Add new things: romantic gestures, affectionate words, a juicy kiss, celebration.

How to use your list:

• EVERY DAY, choose one item from your partner’s list to give as a gift. Cultivate your appetite for delight and wonder.

• CURIOSITY & SURPRISE. Two elements that make children so charming and delightful can keep your relationship forever new, lush and lively!

Joy Evans Peterson, M.A.