Starting the Discussion
The holiday season is upon us (where did this year go?) It is a very interesting time of year for those of us in the practice of elder law. Sons and daughters travel from their far away homes to traditional family gatherings. It’s the time of reunions and dinners around mom and dad’s or grandma and grandpa’s dining room table. It’s also the time when many of us discover that maybe our loved ones aren’t doing as well as we thought they were.
We call every week, but when we visit we find out that the aging process has taken a greater toll on our loved ones than we thought. Dad’s forgetfulness has gone from amusing to worrisome. Mom is looking haggard from the pressures of caring for her parents or spouse. The time has come to consider how to care for our elderly loved ones, and nobody has ever talked about it.
I went to a very interesting and timely presentation this week. The subject was Estate Planning but the discussion was not about whether to do a will or a trust. It was about talking to family members about intentions, desires and plans. It confirmed my experience that working with clients as an Elder Law attorney is not the same as working with clients as an estate planner. Elder Law discussions include topics like: What happens if you become incapacitated? Who do you trust to handle your finances and make medical decisions for you if you can’t make them yourself? Do you know what you want if you are close to your death? Do you want all possible medical treatment to prolong your life as much as possible, or do you want to be comfortable and let nature take its course? How do you leave a lasting legacy?
Family dynamics often become pronounced during discussions about aging family members, especially parents. Traditions – my eldest should be making the decisions – may be stood on their heads when there are in-laws or substance abuse issues are involved. Jealousy – Mom always liked you best – will often arise. The issues can be varied, complicated and emotional. Seeing an Elder Law attorney, who deals with these issues almost daily, can be very helpful in sorting through these dynamics, identifying your wishes and determining the best ways and people to carry them out.
The fact is it that someday someone else is very likely to be making decisions for you. The only question at that time will be whether you or a court will choose who will make those decisions. Talking about your long term care and end of life wishes is not morbid – it can be life-affirming. It can be empowering when you know that the one you trust, not just the one who is chosen by chance, will be making those choices for you.
The attorneys and staff at Sanders Law Group wish you and yours a very happy holiday.
