An Open Letter to the Gym
Once again in life, my coping skills had come under attack. I was being attacked by my mind and thoughts. I have a history of depression and anxiety and could have tried to guess which situation had triggered these emotions. Or, I could assume that I was destined to this disorder based on certain chemicals in my brain. Either way, it's not anything I have ever wanted to dig up and conquer. I rather cope and work through it. But that is the biggest problem. Depression is not about getting out of the mud, pulling up your boot straps and moving on. Depression is debilitating if not dealt with from outside sources. If this means medication so be it; if this means therapy so be it.
I thought I had come to a point in my journey where I needed to unload some of the things that triggered this particular attack. Money, kids, work, marriage, eating right, getting to the gym were all things that were on my mind. Were these the things causing my anxiety? How could I change my situation and inability to cope for the better? Well, I couldn’t give away the kids or quit my marriage, and I needed money to eat - so, that left the gym.
I told myself that I would just take a break from the gym — a summer break — and would start again when the kids went back to school. This would give me a few more bucks in my wallet and would free up time for family and work. So a break it was. That was my plan for getting through the attack.
Would I miss my friends? Yes. Would I miss feeling awesome after a workout? Yes. Would I miss feeling strong lifting over 250 pounds? Yes. Would I miss some of the most inspirational people I know? Yes. Would I miss the constant accountability? Yes.
The day I decided to quit the gym, it was going to be the start of my recovery. Except that once I made the decision, I received a text from them the same day! I was so shocked with the text I couldn't even respond to it. It said, "Can you send me your Member of the Month questionnaire again? You won."
I had won — I had been picked as the Member of the Month. Really? But I was going to break up with the gym. I was about to put my membership on hold for the rest of the summer. Did I deserve this award? Sure, maybe yesterday or last week, a month or six months ago. I mean, all of my gym family deserves this award. But that day I didn't deserve it because I was quitting. I had to think about it for a minute; I had to cope with this. I couldn’t say, "No thank you. Not today, think of me again in September." I decided that I couldn't quit. Instead, I had to rethink my plan for recovery.
That day, I learned that through diet and exercise my coping skills could be healed. I know how this sounds. It sounds like some over-excited juicing guru who wants to liberate the world with kale. But diet and exercise really work. I feel badly when I eat junk food, and I feel clean when I eat healthy food. A diet that consists of clean, healthy, whole foods is almost magical. Eating the right amounts of fats, proteins, vegetables and some carbs really works. The text from the gym reminded me that eating healthy is key.
It also reminded me that working out at the gym helps my mind. I don't know why, and once again can only guess what happens to the chemicals in my brain when I workout. I feel physically different when I leave the gym. Before a workout, I can be cloudy and have a hard time focusing. Once my heart rate increases and the sweat starts dripping, my mind clears up. The world around me becomes a little less hazy. It also becomes a little bit more doable. With each workout, my mind continues to clear up. The text from the gym reminded me that exercise is key.
Last, it reminded me that just because I love to go to gym, it is not an extracurricular activity or social hour. The gym is my medication; it is my therapy. On the day I was going to quit, I made sure I showed up ready to work instead. Because on that day, I was reminded that just because something is a lot of fun, it doesn't mean it's not hard work and unnecessary.
