The Young Bully
As the parent of a young child, you may believe you don’t have to worry about bullying at this stage of development; however, that may not be the case. Bullying may begin well before your child enters kindergarten, as early as three years old when children develop the cognitive ability to understand feelings of others. They are observant of the world, absorbing information and behaviors from television, movies, computer games and books. They are also beginning cooperative play with their peers and are experiencing play-related conflict and aggression, a typical stage of development. This conflict teaches about compromise, negotiation, fairness, forgiveness and the power of making amends. Normal conflict and aggression is usually identified when both parties are upset or have an agenda. When this is not the case, bullying may be occurring.
A bully is someone who is intentionally aggressive and uses an imbalance of power to intimidate, humiliate and hurt another person for the purpose of gaining social or psychological control and superiority. Bullying behaviors include hitting, shoving, biting, name calling, threatening, socially excluding, teasing and destroying another’s belongings.
It can be hard to distinguish between developmentally-appropriate behavior and bullying in young children. Remember -
Not all aggression is bullying.
Aggression in young children is part of normal development, starting and birth and peaking at around 24 months, but continues throughout life.
Normal conflict/aggression is usually identified.
Children under the age of three do not have the cognitive ability to understand empathy, so aggression cannot be considered as an intentional act to undermine or hurt another. Aggression is more of a communication tool.
Bullying behavior is repeated and planned by the aggressor. The bully has intention to hurt the other child or gain control or power.
What are signs that your child may be being bullied:
Unexplained injuries
Unexplained headache or stomachache
Unusually clingy or other changes in behavior, like becoming withdrawn
Expressed fear about going to preschool
If you believe your child is being bullied:
Talk to your child and get a good understanding of the situation
Remain calm
Reassure your child you will help
Help your child figure out how to deal with the bully (i.e. ignoring, stand brave, avoid being alone with the bully, tell the teacher)
Take Action! Meet with the teacher and express your concerns
If your child is bullying other children, don’t deny the problem – ask your child to help you understand what is happening, it may not be his fault entirely. Then look for a potential source of frustration: hearing or speech issues; changes in your child’s life/routine, and encourage your child to be empathetic – ask how he would feel if he were in the other child’s position. Work with your child to develop meaningful repercussions or consequences.
The way you handle the bullying, regardless of whether you have the bully or the victim, will have a long lasting effect on the children involved. By modeling respectful, caring and appropriate behavior, you’ll help your child enjoy the full benefit of the school experience.
