Spring Cleaning Your Marriage
March promises renewal and hope. So how about “spring cleaning” your marriage? During the courtship, lovers talk about dreams and visions of future careers and success, but few discuss moral, ethical, spiritual, financial and lifestyle values. Shared values form the bedrock of a successful marriage.
Exploring and Adopting Values. For example, regarding honesty, is it merely telling the truth? Does honesty apply to tax returns? Secretly stashing funds? Concealing purchases? Hiding raises or bonuses? Hiding compulsions or addictions? What does honesty mean in your values? Is honesty or integrity your goal? Is there a difference? Examine the values you hold as standards of conduct. Learn to collaborate rather than compromise. Collaboration seeks to create something new and distinctive in resolving conflicting goals, ideas or beliefs.
Fidelity. Fidelity is where transparency and integrity demands a higher standard than honesty. Does fidelity exclude pornography? Sexting? Sharing secrets with friends of the opposite sex? Establish your standards and boundaries.
Trust. Deep emotional connection requires trust. Inability to control anger, stress, moods or behavior undermines trust. Accepting responsibility for consequences of choices is maturity.
Fairness. Trust requires an underpinning of justice and equality.
Crazy-making. Denying a secret, mood or feeling that a spouse is picking up on makes them feel crazy and in a double bind; do I trust my partner or my intuition?
Transparency. In risking rejection by revealing fears, dreams, faults, failures, and inadequacies, you discover if you are loved unconditionally.
Secrets vs. Personal Privacy. Do I have to give up all privacy to be in a committed relationship? What is the line between personal privacy and a secret that threatens a relationship? There’s a simple guideline to honesty and fairness —the Golden Rule!
Autonomy and Self-awareness. Honesty demands courage and self-awareness. If you expect honesty from others you must be scrupulously honest with yourself.
Personal Integrity. Real intimacy demands honesty beyond mere truth-telling. Be true to yourself. Grow up and confront insecurities and self-deception.
Money. Is how money is earned or spent less important than what money represents for you? Is it a means to an end or an end in itself? How much time and energy will you invest in acquiring money and stuff? What will you sacrifice to have them?
Healthy and Satisfying Sex. Intimacy is often confused with sex. Partners need to honestly express what priority sex is to them. Negotiate an agreement that satisfies sexual appetites and desires.
Happy Spring!!!
Joy Evans Peterson, M.A.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Author of “22 Myths of Divorce” and “Discovering A Dynamic Marriage.”
