Staying Connected

“Every lasting marriage goes through a series of ‘divorces’ in its lifetime.”

The above quotation is the best advice on marriage I ever received. Over the years, the words echoed to keep me “hanging in there” through the inevitable deep valleys that occur in every relationship.

The “divorces” are times of plodding through the bottom of the valley, when what used to work no longer does. Couples repaint walls, replace worn furniture and renovate bathrooms, but don’t consider updating relationship strategies and behaviors.

Over time, demands of real life intrude on a couple’s time and resources. The fire dims and begins the long descent into dissatisfaction, discouragement and despair. The marriage imperceptibly becomes increasingly less intimate and satisfying.

Rough seas and flat days in a relationship are inescapable. Commitment binds you to your vows and keeps you on course. The ship at sea has no option but to ride out storms and endless days with no wind, no movement, no progress, no end in sight.

You don’t stop growing the day you marry. Priorities are reordered, perceptions shift, your individual and marital worlds contract and expand. As you change, the relationship must adjust. Failure to acknowledge and embrace growth places relationships in jeopardy.

Inevitable mini-divorces are wake-up calls. A time to acknowledge and celebrate the good in each other and the relationship. A time to build on the parts you do well, and face openly the elements that no longer serve and let them go. Replace outdated relationship ideals with conscious choices.

When you fell in love, your relationship was top priority. Lovers invest time and energy in courtship behaviors to secure a beloved’s affections. Instead of fighting to hang on to a model of marriage and family that no longer satisfies, direct your energy and resources into creating the relationship you want. Your individual task is to become the partner you want to have.

Blissful romantic encounters occur spontaneously and cannot be contrived. In a long-term relationship, such moments won’t happen unless affection and appreciation is intentionally nurtured and practiced daily.

Making romantic liaisons a relationship tradition ensures incandescent moments will surprise you. Expand the definition of foreplay in your marriage. It isn’t something you engage in when you want to have sex; it is the affectionate manner in which you relate to your beloved in everyday interactions that lead to magic moments and intimate, loving encounters.

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