Loving Communications
- Choosing to have an open heart. By Joy Peterson
- Nov 26, 2015
- 2 min read
Lifelong bonds develop between flawed and wounded human beings in imperfect relationships. It is a given. The Open vs. Closed Heart is a principle for handling emotional states and disagreement without conflict. The diagram helps you identify specific emotional states and behavior associated with each stance. I’m sure you will recognize your typical response to stress in the Closed Heart list.
There are common misconceptions about lasting intimate relationships, and some prevalent ideas may inadvertently cause abuses. Popular thinking is that when you love someone you “give your heart” to the beloved. That is a precarious thing to do. Who wants the responsibility? A healthier perspective is to invite someone you love into your heart, but the welfare of your heart is always your own responsibility.
No one is so together that they are always in a place to be trusted with another’s heart. When a partner is clearly not in a good place – triggered, hostile, out-of-sorts, overwhelmed, contentious, exhausted – you don’t put your heart out there to be a target. Closing your heart to a beloved who is currently closed is not the best solution. Recognizing the signs that your partner is not available need not put you in a Closed Heart place. On the contrary, allowing your partner to be emotionally out-of-commission for a time, without blame or judgment, is an Open Heart stance.
Blame and judgment are a result of putting your heart out there knowing your spouse is emotionally unavailable, and then blaming them for mistreating it. It is setting them up to fail and prove that they can’t be trusted. That is convoluted logic; it is choosing to be right rather than related. Everyone is guilty of it at some point.
Another misuse of this principle is to use it to manipulate. Accusing your partner of having a Closed Heart is an abuse of the intention and spirit of the principles. It should never be used as a club. It is okay to inquire, but if you are wondering, it’s usually safe to assume that your partner is closed, and postpone any important matters until they are emotionally available again.
In order to stay in an Open Heart place in the face of conflict and rough patches, you must consciously choose to take responsibility for your heart and protect it when necessary. It is a relief to know your partner will do the same thing when you go off the rails. Everybody gets to be less than perfect and still loved…everybody wins!
Joy Evans Peterson, M.A.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Author of “22 Myths of Divorce” and “Discovering A Dynamic Marriage.”
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